Running with Vibrators

So, I seriously got some action.  And well, let’s just say I’m not smoking some weed right now just because it’s one of those “I need a cigar” moments.  It’s more like one of those “Oh dear lord! Please hand me that weed so can laugh about this stupid thing I shouldn’t have done!” moments. 

Who is Slurpee ManBoy?
Slurpy ManBoy is and 30 year old Indian dude… who seriously looks like he could be 16.  He has his doctors degree to… well… I guess do whatever the hell doctors do.  And for some damn reason he lives where I live.  And where I live is nothing but sophmores in college.

How I went about meeting Slurpee ManBoy:
My friend asked me if i wanted to go clubbing with her and some friends.  I thought it was just gonna be a bunch of girls stereotypically dancing with eachother in the movies and acting like sluts, ya know?  So, I say “Ferrr shhhuuurrrrr guuurrrll!!! :D” But it turns out to be a double date.  So Sexy Bearded-Man and Slurpee ManBoy are our dates.  And do I get stuck with Sexy Bearded-Man?  NO!  Fat chicks never get stuck with the sexy mofos… jk!  I’ve had some damn HOT mofos!  But stereotypically… I get stuck with Slurpee Dot ManBoy.  At this point I already needed some alcohol… And I’m sure I did have some. Anyways… all this is a diff story.  Point:  I did the splits and everyone got all hot and bothered!  Ok ok ok… sorry.  I’m really high right now.  Basically both of the guys by the end of the night loveddd me… cuz well I’m pretty freaking cool.

How did tonight go about?
Slurpee ManBoy messaged me on facebook.  Asked if I wanted to hang out when he got back to his apartment from leaving India or wherever the heck he’s from.  And I was like “Sure! Why not?!”

…  I really didn’t think much about it at first.  I thought him and I would just actually hang out.  But what made me 2nd guess that was remembering that my friend told me he made a move on her.  So I make the place look nice… cuz it did look really messy… I even washed my sheets cuz I couldn’t remember if I had washed them from the last time having a guy over.  So everything in my room was fresh.  So i start playing mortal kombat while waiting for him.

He comes over and we talk about our Christmas break and how it was being back home and bla bla bla.  So I bring up the idea of Mortal Kombat and he quickly answered: “No! Let’s watch a movie!”  (I didn’t recognize this ‘til now.  It might have some sort of significant meaning.)  So I bring up netlix and we start watching “Limitless”  I had never seen it before and well I had really wanted to watch it. And this Slurpee ManBitch starts rubbing my back and before i know it… he’s at my pussy and my crack.

Yes bitchez…. I fuckin’ gave in.  Why?  Probably to save the awkwardness.  Shit!  I needz me an easy button on my forehead!  This shyt is bad!!!

One of the bad things about this… which was actually expected… is that he had a small dick.  I mean… I’ve had dick 3 times as long… if not longer… and 2 times as thick.  And that’s the part where you feel sorry for them and suck their little nub of a penis.  And that Slupree ManBitch came in my mouth pretty quick even though it took him a while to get hard.  We didn’t have sex… penis to vagina… but this experience is going to influence the days ahead of me just because he lives here.  I have got to lay the smack down on this Slurpy Mofo if he tries coming back.  He be allll cumming on the blanket I just washed.  Daaamnn!!!  Hahahaha 

…Oh did i mention the way he kissed?!  I dear lord… do you even want to know? Hahaha it was the worst kissing session I’ve ever fucking had.  Son of a bitttccchhh!!!!  He opened is mouth all wide with his mouth over my mouth and his tongue being all fuckin weird… ewww… that shit was nasty!  It was just as nasty as the virgin diaries on TLC (youtube that shit!). 

But Ashley, why did you give in to such madness? 
Well, dude…  he started licking my ear.  If you’ve tried this or had this done to you, you know how much it gets you turned on.  And the lights were dimmed and well… my horniness took over.  (P.S.  Girls are way more sexier to me nowadays.. or I’m just curious ;)) 

Thankfully he said he had to get some sleep because he had to pick his friend up from the airport or something.  I was like “Yay!!! He’s leaving!!”

But, I have a feeling he’s gonna be back at my door.  And I do not want that.  Slurpee ManBoy cannot have me.  However, I believe my friend mentioned that he’s rich… hmmm… Lol.  I think I’d still take the bigger dick unless he’s gonna buy himself a strapon.  Hahahaha… shit! 

So that’s that.  Slurpee ManBoy will be updated because I feel like there’s gonna be more to this story.  And now I have to get the slurpie that Slurpee ManBoy got on my sheets.

Goodnight!

The title kinda gives away the story.  I mean, really?!  Do you need to know the muthafuckin’ details?!  Well, my friends, the answer is “OH NO!  Please don’t!  Don’t tell me how it went dooooowwwnnnn!!!! Puh puh puh puh-leeeaaaassseee!”  Yes… I had the awful and awfully awkward sexual (but not sexy) experience with a man that had a foot fettish.  And even though you may not want to hear about the slurping of the mouth on the toes… or weird-ass image that comes to mind when I jerked him off with my toes…. believe me!!!  You are going to want to hear the story of a damsel in distress.  A story of a brave girl who had no easy way out.  This is the story of… well Me and the Footsucker.

This is how it went down:

So, I knew this guy by the name of Cesar.  We had gone on a date some time in the spring.  He had messaged me in the summer asking when I was available.  I told him I was back home and wouldn’t be back til August.  So August rolls around and I’m back in the city.  I’m horny, so I’m like “Hey!  I know people here!  Fuck yea!”  So I run to my phone because I’m so horny.  But there are 2 guys by the name of Cesar in my phone.  So I was like “Oh, I’ll text both, and whoever answers first must be the guy.  I don’t know of any other Cesars in the city.”  So I send out the text and I get one reply and he’s like “Yea! I’m free now!”  So he heads over.

I get a phone call from this guy asking me how to get into the gates of my apartment.  As we’re talking, I notice he sounds a little different, but I’m thinking “Oh whatever!  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this dude, I probably forgot everything about him!”  Then he calls me and says “I’m here.”  I got to the door and look through the peep-hold and well… it was a different guy.  But I was like “Well, it’s too late now!”  So I open the door and he hugs me and we got to my room and we talked as if we actually had met up at some point before.  He was not all that attractive… but I didn’t have intentions of doing anything. 

Then he’s like “So, when are you gonna kiss me?”  And me being stupid I didn’t really know what to do in this situation, because I enjoyed our conversation, but I didn’t like him.  But I was horny… so I was like “What’s wrong with a make-out session with a stranger?”  So, we start making out and he is just awful.  His mouth was all over my mouth.  And for some reason he looked like a big, scary monkey.  And he just looked extra disgusting by the time we were making out. 

So then he makes other actions, and I was like “Well, at least he’s assertive!”  But then he was like “Let me see your feet!”  And he just grabbed my foot and started touching it and tickling it and massaging it… and I was like “Ummm… ok, it’s just a footmassage!  No biggie!”  But then he started sucking on my toes… his monkey lips just slurpin’ at my toes”  And me being there like “What the fuck is this fucking shit right here!  WHAT!!!!! THEEEEE!!!! FFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!! OHMYGOD!!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOOOODDDDD!!!” 

He kept asking me to touch his cock, and I was so repulsed by him that I didn’t even go there.  And he’s like “You are SUCH a teeeaassee!!!”  And then for some reason he got naked… he was freakin’ naked in my bed.  WHEN THE HELL DID THIS MONKEY-ASS BITCH GET FUCKING NAKED!!!??  I wanted to get my phone and have somebody get me away from this guy.

Because I wouldn’t touch him, he started jerking off.  And I was like, “What are you doing?!”  And he’s like “I’m not leaving ‘til I cum.  You should help me out!”  He tried grabbing my hand and putting it on his crotch but I pulled away.  Then he grabbed my foot, put his dick in between my toes, and started using my foot to jerk him off.  And to my embarrassment, I gave into it, because I wanted him to get the HELLLLL OUT OF MYYY ROOOM!  But without being a bitch.  So he finally came, and he stayed laying there and was like “You have beautiful feet!”  And I had a moment of like “ummm… I don’t know how to take that” 

I do try to take care of my feet.  Have nail polish on them.  Get a flowah fum da chinese ladee who do my nayo.  I used special foot lotions and sea salt.  But I’m kinda scared to take care of them anymore because of people like this guy.

Anyways, he laid there all proud and I did one of those bullshit, fake yawns.  And he was like “Want me to stay with you and spend the night?”  And in my mind I was like “God NO!”  But I was like “*Yaaawwwwnnnn*  That’d be nice, but I have a lot of stuff to do in the morning.”  Then he got up instantly… kinda like magic.  He put on his clothes and I walked him out to the door. 

He texted me the next morning saying, “Last night was incredible!!”  I did not text back.  Then he texted again that night and was like, “We should hang out again sometime!”  And I did not text back.

This event was a one-night stand on my part.  I didn’t want anything to do with him.  I don’t like my feet doing stuff like that.  I don’t want to see his dirty, cochino face.  And I don’t wanna see him drooling over my fucking feet. 

I’m pretty sure I cried.  Okay… I didn’t cry, but … I might as well.  He practically abused my feet sexually.  He should also be arrested for being the worse, deformed pussy-lip kisser ever!  There should be WANTED signs posted around the city, saying “FOOTSUCKER WANTED!  Dead or alive!”  And the reward should be some mouthwash… because this experience made me wanna throw up in my mouth a little.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:  Everytime a toe or foot is sucked, a soul is lost.

So as you can see, this character does not have a fancy nickname, only because he’s too cool for any nick name I could ever give him.  However sometimes I call him “B to the rad!”  Only because he’s pretty rad… and I told him about how my nephew used to call me “Assy” when I was little and him and I have said that I have a pretty big “Assy” haha

Anyways, Brad messaged me on OkCupid and such.  We exchanged digits.  He called me one day and we hit it off pretty well on the phone.  Based on his profile I didn’t think he’s like me so much… only because he was like “Yea I love doing things outdoors and being active!”  And well… by the looks of me, I probably do not come off as someone who likes to be active. 

However, we decided to get coffee.  So he tells me when and where.  And so I start walking over to the coffee place… it was a nice day.  It had rained.  It was evening.  So we see eachother and he looked way more handsome than what he did on his profile, and probably looked like crap compared to my profile haha  So we didn’t get coffee but we sat outside at the table and we’re talking and it’s starting to get windy.  So he’s like let’s go have dinner!  so we get Italian food and it’s yummy and we’re talking… I don’t even remember what we were talking about but I remember it was just a go-with-the-flow kinda conversation. 

Then he brought up music… and he started naming music and I was like I love that.  Then I started naming music and he was like “I love that!”  Then he started recommending music… and we just hit it off from there.  Then he was like “Hey!  Do you want to come over to my apartment… we could rent a movie and get some drinks bla bla bla”  And well, I was kinda flattered that he wanted to take me to his apartment… probably because he was totally handsome and sexy. 

So we get in his car and start jamming out to music and laughing.  We go to smith’s and get a movie and some mike’s hard lemonade.  We go to his apartment.  It was a very lovely apartment.  He shows me some of his music and we crack open the lemonade and pop in the dvd.  We watched Inception, which I had tried to watch with Fireman Guy but he didn’t let me watch it!  Anyways, it was a lot better this time watching it.  So we sit down together and then he lays down on my lap and then he was like “Are you comfortable?”  So I was like “Yea I’m alright!”  He’s like “I have an idea!”  And thats when he had me spoon with him. 

So we’re there spooning and watching Inception.  I’m probably already wet for all I know.  Some sexy guy wanting to spoon with me… how fucking awesome is that?!  Pretty awesome… especially when he starts playing with your hair and kissing your neck.  I was trying so hard not to give in to sex that night.  However, once he started kissing my neck I just smiled really big and turned my head back to kiss him.  Then we made out and started dry humping and him feeling up on my breasts.  This whole time I was thinking “Oh fuck yea!”  Then the movie ended and he was like “could you give me a massage?”  Mostly I just wanted him to take off his shirt… so of course I said yes.  He busted out the oil and then he put inception on again, but this time it was in Spanish. 

So I’m giving him a massage and every now and then he would say something in Spanish in that Spanish soap opera type of voice.  It was really funny.  Then he insisted on giving me a massage.  Honestly he wasn’t that great at massages but who cares?!  He was hott!  Then he started tickling me.. and that’s always fun especially when a hott humping makeout session comes right after it with him saying random things in Spanish.  It was very entertaining.  The movie ended again and I was like “How are you so good at Spanish?” 

He got started on how he had gone to Brazil and how it was the best experience ever.  He went on and on about Brazil.  Then he took me to his computer and showed me pictures and stories that went along with those pictures.  It was very entertaining.  Then he was like “Oh!  I have a song for you that I’ll bet you’ve never heard!”  And he played it and I did know it!  I started singing it and he started dancing… and then he grabbed my hands and started dancing with me.  He played other songs and we danced some more.  I was seriously having so much fun with him.  Then he started singing and playing guitar… and well he kinda sucked, but he was so into it and you could see that he was enjoying it… and well I enjoyed him enjoying it.  We danced and made out some more then we looked at the time and it was 4 in the morning. 

Damn!  I thought it was midnight at the latest.  Time goes by fast when you are having fun ;)  So he says “Looks like you are spending the night with me!”  So I took off my pants and we cuddled a little bit and fell asleep. 

In the morning he made me breakfast and we danced some more and sang some more.  And he drove me back to my dorm and we had more jam sessions in his car.

Now I know what you are thinking:  “Why did you let him put it in you!!?”

Well, I did let him put it in me!  Duh! 

But that happened the weekend after.  It was my friend Melanie’s birthday and she gave me the worst directions ever.  So bad that I drove around Albuquerque.  Ugh!  Thankfully Brad texted me and was like “Hey you should come over!”  Then I had a reason to be like “Fuck you Melanie and you’re shitty directions!” and head over to Brad’s. 

I don’t remember what we did besides have sex.  I think we gave eachother massages again and humped and took our clothes off and had sex.  Now, he wasn’t that big, but he worked it rather well. 

However, this was the moment that I learned something.  I learned that I really really liked him.  You know why?  Well, I voluntarily sucked his dick.  He didn’t have to say a word… my mouth was all on that.  And I had never worked it like I worked it on him.

I never before that, actually wanted to blow any guy.  Maybe it was my way of saying “I really like you and would love to keep doing this in order to spend time with you”  I’m sure as you can tell, I really like Brad. 

We had sex several times after that.  In fact, him and I got high together.  I let him drive my truck.  I had never seen anyone so damn excited to drive a truck.  We went out to the dessert and had a view of the city.  It was very pretty.  And we snuggled together and smoked.  And I remember him saying something about a pile of dead bunnies… and I remember being really sad about there being dead bunnies.  Anyways, lol… we went back to his apartment freakin stoned.  He layed a blanket on the floor and turned off all the lights.  We laid down and started drawing things on the ceiling with a lazer light.  Then he decided to put on some R&B music.  We started singing and then we started cuddling and then we started dancing while cuddling… which turned into dry humping which turned into sexy sex.  It was so sexy… Idk why.  He was also saying sexy things black men usually say, which got me off even more.  I think that was one of my favorite nights with him.

Then the last time I saw Brad was the weekend before I moved out of my dorm.  I was kinda sad cuz I felt like this was the last time I’d see him for some reason.  One last massage.  One last sexytime.  One last jam session.  One last makeout session.  One last dance session.  One last breakfast with him.  Another reason I was a bit sad was because he did seem to like me.  I thought he would have asked me out by that time.  Unless he just treats everyone like that. 

I guess I liked him so much because he wasn’t just a lover… he was a really good friend.  Someone whose company I always enjoyed even if sex wasn’t in the picture.  It was really nice hanging out with him and just being myself with a masculine guy.  I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like him.  I have my gay friends who give me the friendship I need.  And the manly guys that I do get with just turn out to be jerks or creepers.  And for him to actually stay a friend and be masculine was extra sexy on his part.  He is probably the closest person I have come to that I’d enjoy being in a relationship with. 

Now that school starts in just a couple of weeks… I texted him.  Asked him how he’s been and what’s new.  Turns out he has a new girlfriend.  I was actually really sad… only because I wanted him for myself.  Now when I go back to the big city he’s gonna be too busy to even just hang out with me as a friend.  But what do I know!?  For all i know he will have time for me.  But I won’t get my hopes up.  Either way, his girlfriend better treat him good because he deserves to be treated so.

I love ya Brad!  Best wishes to you :)

Mr Stinky Feet was fairly attractive and fairly nerdy… and fairly damn annoying.  He is another OkCupid date.  He asked me on a date.  He picked me up from my dorm like a gentleman.  We drove to a nearby restaurant.  He talked… so he wasn’t boring.  However, he talked about stuff he thought I was interested in.  Turns out at the time I had the same psychology professor that he did when he took the same college course.  So he started talking to me about freakin psychology. 

I like psychology and such.  It’s fascinating, but if it’s not your major, then it’s kinda one of those things that you don’t care too much about.  And for some reason he thought I was into politics.  And trust me… that’s the last thing I want to talk to someone about.  I stuck through it for the first date though.  So I got a free meal and that’s always good for me being that I am a college student.

After the second date he’d call everyday for at least 15 minutes.  Which was nice, but not necessary being that I didn’t like him that way. 

So one night he’s texting me saying he’s watching a movie and me just making conversation was like “Cool!  I wanna see it!”  And then before I knew it he was like “I’m on my way to pick you up!”  and before I could reply he was already there.  And I would have felt bad if I didn’t go, so I did.  Turns out he lived mega close by (Kinda creepy).  So we get into his apartment and I just felt out of place for some reason… so I awkwardly looked around the apartment nodding my head.  And I said “Well you have a nice cozy little place here!”  He was staring me down.  It was obvious he was trying to be sexy.  That’s when he pulled me into him and was like “Come here baby!” in the most nonsexy voice ever!  He had is eyes closed and his lips puckered and I was an inch away from his face.  So I kissed him to save the awkwardness.  No fireworks of any sort, but after i kissed him he just stayed there with his eyes closed and a look on his face that said “Fuck yea!”

So we sat down and he asked “Should I play the movie from the beginning or from where I left off” And I immediately answered “From where you left off!” because I wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.  Then he pulls me close to him and cuddles… which was better than him kissing me.  The movie was really weird… it was about some guy who is trying to find the scent of women… so he kills a bunch of chicks just to get their scent.  The scent is revealed and everyone has an orgy.  Overall, weirdest movie to watch with Mr. Stinky Feet. 

So I guess you are wondering why I call him Mr Stinky Feet.  Well, during the movie he got up to get a beer.  I had taken off my shoes, but didn’t notice that he had also taken off his shoes.  So I’m sitting there with him and I’m thinking “Oh dear freaking Neptune! Are those MY feet?!”  Then he crossed his leg over his knee and I saw his bare feet… then looked down at his shoes.  Then I thought “This nasty political-ass mofo wasn’t wearing any freaking socks!  Are you freaking kidding me?!”  I was pretty grossed out.  Then he shoved his mouth on my mouth.  I was hating all of this.

I started pretending to be tired so that he’d be like “well I better take you home!”  And it worked… in a sorta odd way.  But it’s his fault it was so damn odd.  So the movie ends and he’s like “well I better take you home… I guess”  then he just sat there with a stumped look on his face.  So I was like “What’s the matter?”  And he replied with:  “Well I had expected this to be a booty call”

That’s when I started laughing and was like “How the hell do you figure this was a booty call?”  He said he didn’t know and that he felt like an asshole now and bla bla bla.  I feel like I may have lead him on but only because I kissed him back instead of shoving him off me when he pulled me so damn close to him.  I’m sure if he put his dick an inch away from my vagina I woulda been like “OK!  You might as well!”  lol jk… he wouldn’t have gotten that far.

Either way, it was stupid of him to even say that he expected to get some action that night.  So he awkwardly drove me back to my dorm and appologized a million more times after that.  So then he texted me after that… then he went to california for a funeral or something… sent me pictures (as if I cared) and bought me a souvenier from some reservation in Arizona. 

Which brings me to the third date.  It was for spring break and I headed back home.  So we met up in Santa Fe.  I was doing homework at Starbucks and I headed over.  He was already sitting at a table.  I tried every which way to show that I was uninterested.  He talked most of the time and tried playing footsy with me so i tucked my feet far underneath my chair so his nasty feet wouldn’t dare touch mine.  Then he decided to ask me a question and so I started talking and he grabs my hand and starts playing with it.  It freaked me out so the very chance I had to get it back I did… so i started gesturing with my hands, then tucked my hands under my butt so he wouldn’t touch them again.  Then I said I felt sick so that we could leave right away.  That’s when he presented me with the little gift he bought me.  It was a little ram carved out of stone.  It was pretty cool actually.  Then he walked me to my truck and puckered his damn lips and, again, to save to awkwardness, I gave him a quick kiss and got in my truck.  As soon as he turned away I wipe off my lips and drove the fuck home!

He kept texting me after that, but soon after that date he started calling me “babe”  And that’s what pushed my buttons to be like “Ahhh helllll naw!!!”  I was like “why are you calling me babe!?”  Then he said how he liked me and bla bla bla.  And then I laid it down as easily as possible.  So then I stopped texting him. 

This experience was meaningful to me because I could have handled the situation in 2 ways.  I could have just ignored him forever or told him and then ignored him.  If I were in his positions I’d rather have someone tell me that they don’t like me in that kind of manner than to just drop me off the face of the earth without knowing what I did.  So I let him know that I was sorry if i may have lead him on and that I didn’t like him that way.  He was a little persistant as to us trying it again, but I just ignored it.  I said what needed to be said.

I did see him again when I was moving out of the dorm.  He was skateboarding around the campus and I heard someone say “Hey Ashley!”  And I looked up and it was him… I said “Hi!”  And he just skateboarded along.  Kinda weird.  He’s on my facebook, so he didn’t kill himself over me, and I’m sure there is someone out there (not me) for him.

Even though the title sounds like it could be a song, and as much as I wish it was a song, it’s not.  Instead, this is a tale of events that occurred after making yummy cheddar biscuits (that could make Red Lobster suck it!!!) concluding with the moment that brought my relationship with my gay friend to a whole new level.

It all started on a Saturday, also known as Recovery day.  Friday night I had rolled and drank at the same time, for the first time.  It was pretty damn epic!  But by morning my brain was moosh, kinda like when you put crackers in soup and they get soggy and funny-lookin’.  So Saturday, I took things slow.  I tried not to think too much.  So my gay friend (who will be referred to as: Maricon) and I were on stumbleupon, and we stumbled upon some yummy recipes.  But what caught our attention was the golden brown picture of garlic cheddar biscuits!  Fuck yea!  We knew at that moment, that we had to make some.

Also, some bisexual guy (who we’ll call Douchebag Hottie) kept on texting me that whole week asking me if I wanted to hang out.  Then he asked me if I would suck his fiddle-stick.  And I said that my friend, Maricon, would.  So he asked for a picture of Maricon, and I sent one.  And he never texted back.  So… I guess we were both out of the question.

Being that we were in the dorms, we were already unlikely to have all the baking necessites, so we went to walmart late that night… maybe around 10pm.  We left walmart with cheese, butter, garlic… then on our way back to the dorms, we realized we forgot the Bisquick.  So instead of going back, we went to Walgreens.  They only had Aunt Jemima.  We went to Maricon’s dorm with our friend Marriah.  We’ll use her name in this because she’s only a subcharacter in this story.  We went into their ghetto kitchen, and found a bowl (who the hell knows what it had been used for before) and started mixing in ingredients (that we didn’t really measure out, just kinda guesstimated).  We kinda put 5 huge lumps of the mix on this weird-looking metal thing that sorta looked like it would work as a baking sheet (but not really).  Anyways, the biscuits were finally ready, except they turned into one giant biscuit because they were so close together.  But they tore apart from each other nicely.  And we put them in our mouths, and it was like I had been rejuvenated and laid by a Black Greek God (I know there isn’t one, but there damn well should be!). 

Speaking of Black ;)  There was this black guy that lived in Maricon’s dorm at the time that just so happened to stop Marriah, Maricon, and I before we left the building.  We’ll call this character Half-Black Blue-Eyed-Lover (because he’s half black and loved Marriah’s fake blue contacts… i think he seriously thought they were real).  He was drunk and trying to flirt with Marriah and he was half-black so half of me was like “Give him a cheddar biscuit, maybe his bottom half is more black than the top half.”  So I did and he was like “Would you guys like to take some shots?”  And we were like, “FUCK YEAAA!!!”

So, we go into this white guys room.  He’s listening to good music.  And Maricon was eyeing him like crazy.  But somehow Maricon seemed to fool them into thinking he was straight.  So we’re drinking and Marriah only took two shots and was already pretending to be drunk, while Maricon and I are already to the point where we’re losing count of the shots we’re taking.  So Marriah and Half-Black Blue-Eyed-Lover go out into the hall and probably makeout (even though Marriah denies everything… Maricon and I both know she wanted him).  So Marriah then leaves because she was going to some other guy’s house to let him use her. Maricon and I are stuck with the two guys that let us drink their alcohol. 

So we go outside and we’re talking and stuff.  I don’t remember much of what we were talking about, I just remember Half-Black Blue-Eyed-Lover calling me “SMASHLLLEEEYYYY!!!” lol and he kept telling Maricon, “Dude, you are so fucking straight!  But you are fucked up!!! HAHAHAHA!”  And I kept on looking at Maricon like “You fucking Maricon!” and Maricon would just laugh at me and be like “Don’t tell them!!!  I’m sooo damn straight tonight, bro!”  And I smiled and laughed and just went with it. 

We took our final shots and headed to my dorm.  However, on the way to my dorm I remember seeing a cop car and Maricon and I were like “SHITT!!!” So we went around the long way to my dorm.  We tried opening the front door and couldn’t.  We went to the 2nd closest door, and couldn’t open it.  So, we ended up going to the door that was closest to the cop car anyways.

We stumbled up the stairs to the second floor.  Luckily my roommate wasn’t there that night.  We were laughing all the way to my door and we started talking about being horny.  Maricon and I brought up DoucheBag Hottie and I ended up calling him.  Being all drunk and such, I said things I should not have said, and well he arrived at my dorm in 5 minutes… seriously, he was there really quick.  It was kinda creeepy!

So he calls saying that he’s at the door and Maricon and I stumble down the stairs.  Our hair probably looked like shit… we in general probably looked awful.  That drunk look and that drunk slurr… I can’t believe Douchebag Hottie was that willing to follow us up the stairs to receive a blow-jay!  So we go into my dorm and I was like “OOOoh lets do this on BigTits’ bed! BAHAHAHA!”  (BigTits was my roommate).  And I remember Douchebag Hottie being like “Haha that’s kinda fucked up!” 

And before I knew it Maricon had Douchebag Hottie’s pants off and was already going to town.  And I was just there with a fruit rollup in hand, just chewing and watching in amazement.  He was on that dick like I’ve never seen before.  Maricon pushed him down on my bed and I was like “WOW!!!  He’s good… he’s really good” and Douchebag Hottie was like “It’s your turn” and I was like, “Yea I guess!”  and put a piece of fruit rollup on the head and went down.  Then Maricon joined in a little bit… and then I took my mouth off and stared while cleaning my mouth. 

Then Maricon looked up at Douchebag Hottie and was like “Can I kiss you?” with this look of desperation and drunkenness.  Then there was this short pause, and Douchebag Hottie simply said, “No.”  And there was another pause, and Maricon was like “Oh… Ok” and continued going down, but Douchebag Hottie was persistent about me sucking cuz I was just kinda watching… so I went down on him again and he finally came.  I think Maricon was so drunk that he thought the cum was a fancy alcoholic beverage… and he drank that shit up. 

Then just like that, Douchebag Hottie stood up and pulled up his pants and just kinda left.  Maricon and I were still on our knees, too.  Then we kinda looked at each other in confusion.  Then I was like “What a jerk!”  I mean I don’t think he even said goodbye! And Maricon was like “Yea!  Hottest Douchebag ever, though!”  Then Maricon and I were like “At least we were in this together.” And I was like “Thank you for being there!  If I woulda done that by myself, I’d be crying pretty bad right now.”

Maricon and I had a touching moment.  We definitely felt that our friendship had been taken to a new level.  Maricon blacked out and passed out on BigTits’ bed and I layed down on mine and probably made a few more drunk calls, but to guys who didn’t live 5 minutes away. 

After this mishap, Maricon and I still hang out and still get drunk together.  Except now, we make sure that my phone is either taken away, or that I haven’t been talking to any ugly guys or any douchebag guys recently.  Douchebag Hottie still contacts me to this day asking me for a blow-jay.  And I refuse… even though he was hot and had a really nice dick. 

And how many good friends can say that they sucked some guy’s dick together?  I bet only the best of friends.

Notice that the title isn’t “Sexy Fireman”.  This fireman wasn’t sexy.  In fact, he’s the oldest guy I’ve been with.  I believe he was 29.  That’s really weird for me to think about.  He wasn’t ugly, but I think I could have gotten a better all-around fireman.  I met him on OkCupid.com.  As you can see, I’ve had a lot of fun with this damn website. 

I was hesitant in meeting this guy.  I really didn’t think much of the whole thing because I had no intentions of sleeping with him.  I mean, hello!  When someone is 10 years older than you and not as attractive as you like, things along the line of sex don’t occur in your mind as often.

So we met at the Frontier restaurant.  We didn’t even order anything.  We just sat there for a while and he went on and on about himself.  He was like “Bla bla bla!  Being a fireman is the best thing in the world!  Bla bla bla me me me and fire and bla bla bla me me me bla bla bla fire fire bla bla saving lives bla bla me me me bla bla I love baseball so much bla bla me bla bla me me me and not you… I don’t care if you have anything to say.”  It’s not that I wanted to say anything, it’s just you think he’d ask me some questions about myself.  And you think I’d actually have something good to respond with.  But obviously, we had nothing in common.  And basically, that whole conversation was a mega turn-off.

Then he was like, “Wanna come to my place?  I have a tv with your name on it and several movies you can choose from.”  And well, I didn’t have a tv in college or any movies to watch, so I was like “FUCK YEA!!! TV!!!”  So, there I go again with some stranger to his apartment.  From the outside the apartments didn’t look that great, but when I walked in, it was a pretty decent pad for one person. 

So, I picked “Inception” because I hadn’t seen it before.  So he pops it in and we sit on his couch.  He sits on one end and I sit on the other.  Then he’s like “I don’t bite, sits over here next to me.”  So, I do because if I didn’t it would just get awkward.  Then before I know it he starts kissing me, and he’s like “You look tired!  Let me show you my room”  Lol nice line, right?  I thought so.  So we laid down in his bed and he starts cuddling with me and he’s like “I’m sucha cuddle monster bla bla bla I love cuddling… bla bla bla my specialty bla bla bla kiss kiss cuddle cuddle” And I’m just there like “Fuck!  I wanted to watch inception!”

We’re laying down and he starts some foreplay.  And he kept asking me to suck his dick. 

NOTE:  To me, it’s really unsexy if a guy asks for that.  I mean, do you want me to bite it off?  Because I will if you ask me one more damn time!  You know, I usually like giving head to guys who don’t ask because I feel like they are patient and more kind and less demanding.  Or if they are black, I’m usually all on that.

Anyways, I was said no! And he was like “fine!”  And he asked if I wanted to have sex, and I didn’t so I said no.  But he kept pulling me ontop of him, and I thought I made it pretty damn clear that i didn’t wanna be there.  So, I fell asleep, and the next morning we wake up around 6AM, and well, I’m horny in the morning, and he happened to ask me again, “wanna have sex?”  And I just nodded my head.

It was a pretty nice way to wake up.  And once again, he pulled me ontop of him to ride him.  And I realized how nice of a view he had of the city.  It was still sorta dark and you could see all the lights.  And was just riding on him.  Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!!!  And i was like “Wow!” *bounce, bounce* “You have a really nice view!”

So yea… the sex was alright.  I enjoyed riding him because of the view more so than him all up in me.  Then, he’s like, let’s get you back.  And I knew from right then, that I had just had a one-morning/night stand.  This was also the first time that I didn’t give a crap either because I didn’t really like this guy as a person. 

He drove me back to my dorm.  We said bye.  And I got some damn breakfast and went to my dorm.  Never heard from Fireman Guy again. 

I found this to be a sorta shock because I’m way sexier than he is and he should be all barking up my tree annoyingly.  However, I’m grateful that he’s not because he was gross and annoying and doesn’t deserve to have his filthy fireman paws on my tree anyways.

Lesson learned:  Not all firemen are sexy. 

So who doesn’t like black guys?  And who doesn’t like puppies?   I can easily tell you… I love both.  

So, once again, I’m texting a guy from OkCupid.  He’s black… and i’m like “Fuck yea!”  And he’s a music major and i’m like “Fuck yea!” and he’s like “I have puppies!” and i’m like “fuck yea!”  

Of course we texted more and he seemed like a good catch.  But I could tell he didn’t want a relationship.  Which was fine!  I didn’t care for one much at the time either.  

So he hadn’t texted me for quite some time, then suddenly he calls me up on a Wednesday night and starts flirting and all kinds of stuff and says that i should go to his place.  I thought this was nuts… to go to a strangers house where I could get raped or killed.  

But he was black… so in a way… he can’t rape me cuz I’m more than willing.  And about the whole killing part… I’d just text my friend the address if i didn’t show up the next day lol  

So I go over.  He says my truck is nice.  Turns out he’s my height, which is the shortest guy i’ve been with, but it was fine.  I take a few shots.  He had me sign a table.  He showed me his room, made out with me for a while.  He had nice kissing lips… because he’s black and sexy.  It kinda comes with the package.  He introduces me to his roommates.  Then we go back to his room… cuddle a little bit.

Then…

BAM!  Pants were off, and BAM BAM BAM!!!  While aladdin was playing in the background.  For a short guy… shorter guy… whatever… he really knew was he was doing.  He worked it.  And I liked it.  

Oh and he stopped halfway through Aladdin to sing “a whole new world”… lol it was actually kinda funny, but he had a lovely tenor voice.  Then he kept going and going.

He slapped my bum here and there and stuff like that every so often… which was sexy.  But overall the sex was rough… good but rough.  I may not sound enthusiastic about this now, but at the time I was like DAAAAAYYYYUUUUUMMMMMMM!!!!!  

Then  we passed out and I woke up the next morning to puppies whimpering and pooping and peeing everywhere they went.  They were still cute though :)

Then I got dressed and I knew from the moment I left, that I had just had a one night stand and that he would not call me again.

But it was alright, because I got laid by a black guy!  with puppies! :D

So the sex was good, but I’m not enthusiastic about it because it was indeed a one night stand.  It was nice to brag about it for a while though lol  And I got to see puppies which was nice even though they pooped right next to my panties lol 

Upcoming story:  Sexy Black Christian Guy… must read!  

Soccer Guy:  skinny guy with abs that look like an 8 pack instead of a 6 pack.  His pecks were flat and his arms were long.  He was blonde and blue eyed and pretty damn tall.  His teeth were straight and he talked kinda nerdy, but didn’t look nerdy.  He wore Hollister clothes.  He was about a seven on my scale of 1 to 10.  

How we met:  Okcupid.com:  My friend had set me up on OkCupid because I was freshly single and well yea.  So SoccerGuy is where my online dating began.

Him and I started talking on the phone.  He seemed a little shy, but I could tell that he liked me, so I took initiative.  Me being the horny person I am, I asked him to masturbate with me on the phone.  This was kinda risky because I had a roommate that could walk in an any second.  No worries though.  I stopped before she could walk in.  

He was turned on of course, as most guys would be if you offered to masturbate with them.  Anyways, moving on, he said that him and I should hang out.  So I told my roommate that I was having a guy over, and being that she owed me, she gave me the room for the night.  So he came over to the dorm.

Another thing to mention, I am overweight, which isn’t obvious through a picture that you may see online.  So I’m always curious as to what guys think of me being heavy.  Then again, it’s not one of those questions that you can just ask a guy.  You just kinda gotta see how they react, I suppose. 

So I let him into the building and we hugged.  We walked up to my dorm on the second floor and he was like, “Wow the dorms are small.  My room is way bigger than this.”  Well of course it is, STUPID!  Then we lay on my bed and he was like, “And my bed is a lot bigger than this.”  Ummm… yea, ok I get it!  Ugh!  So I bust out my laptop and put in a movie, Valentines Day, with George Lopez, Ashton Kutcher, the Werewolf Guy from New Moon, Taylor Swift, and all those other famous people.  So we are watching the previews and before I know it Soccer Guy has his hand all over me.  And the movie starts, and we’re already making out.  This was exciting to me because I don’t think I had ever made out with anyone who had abs (not like that was a big deal) and it had been so long since I had just simply made out with someone like that.  It was fun.  And the only time he said something regarding the movie was when Werewolf Guy was showing off.  All he said was “I hate that guy! Ugh”  I laughed, but really I was thinking that he was just a judgmental negative nancy.  Then we continued making out and touching each other.  

This steaminess moved to foreplay, however, it was that time of the month.  And right as he mentioned that he wanted to play with me, I was like “ummm… wait… I’m on my period” and he was like “I don’t care!”  So I got a towel and put it on my bed and we got it on.  And it was pretty good.  I mean, he wasn’t black, but it was pretty good.  

Then my roommate texted me and said she needed to get something from the room.  Which ruined the moment and basically everything.  So I told him and he was like, “I’ll just go then.”  So he did and a few minutes later she walked into the room.  And all she had to do was get her makeup.  And she left.  

So after that Soccer Guy and I texted and he said that he’d visit me again the next weekend.  This was perfect for me because my roommate was going home for the weekend which meant I had the room all to myself.  So Saturday rolls around.  I shave my legs, trim the bush, and make myself look presentable.  Earrings matching and all that good stuff girls do to impress guys.  I even bought Listerine that was supposed to whiten teeth.  I text him what time he’s coming over, and he responded with “Maybe”.  This obviously isn’t an answer to my question, but I knew was he meant.  So then I was like “why maybe?” and he said he was drunk.  

This meant that he wasn’t coming over.  And after him not responding to my texts after that, meant that Soccer Guy was my first one night stand.

So, I said FUCK IT!  And moved on.  ”Hey at least I got some action!”

PS:  There is a 2nd part to Soccer Guy coming up.  I recently had another date with him.  And story has more depth to it.

So, my upcoming posts are going to be about my college stories— mostly from my second semester my freshman year.  You see, my boyfriend from 1st semester and I broke up during winter break, so when I got back to school from that break, I decided to kinda try the whole dating scene.  And let me tell you… all these stories make up for the all the fun I shoulda been having my first semester.

You will hear epic drunk stories.  Or you will hear epic sex stories.  And I will tell you about guys that I’ve dated.  They range from such people like SexyBlackChristian Guy to Fireman Guy to Soccer Guy to Mr. Stinky Feet, and ending with my favorite of all time, Dungeons and Dragons Guy.

You should read these stories of epic awesomeness if you are in college, or going to be in college,  and what you may expect if you go on dates with strangers.  So, brace yourself because you are going to love these stories even though I am embarrassed about… quite a few of them.  

Happy reading!

-Shleah